Eyes of a stranger.

Cancer Goggles, oh how the world is different when you wear them.  I know, everyone has seen a movie or read a book where the lead character has some life changing event occur and now they see the world in a different perspective.  Well, I know The Hallmark Channel will not be making a movie about my life story, but I must say this little event has been a swift kick in the kibbles and bits.  Life has jammed is brake peddle to the floor board.  No more high gear, no more running around stress out because I lost my Redbull, no longer worrying about the micro management of every minute in the day. 

Life has just stopped.

So now we sit, between life Pre-C and life After-C.   It is as if we are eating our way through an Oreo Cookie!  Top wafer has long been eaten and now we are just about to finish the white center.  That only leaves the bottom wafer (in this case, the bottom wafer is Treatment).  Living these last few weeks between the two wafers has been trying, very emotional and yet extremely warming at times as well. 

I have tried to sum up my feelings...tried to relate the situation to something else...and all I can say is that I am lost and with that comes being scared.  Now I am not scared of cancer, I am not scared of being sick or how the treatment will leave me.  I am honestly not scared of death.  Yet I cry for those that I hold close to my heart.  To know, that I am about to rip away not just months, but an entire summer from my little girl just shatters me.  To tell her that I can't play baseball with her or I am unable to run around the park with her...I am heart broken.  And my most loving wife Misty, she has no choice in this matter.  She will play the roll of the Mother, Father, Housekeeper, Chef and Nurse.  All of this while she still works and knowing her, worry about me while doing so.  The hand that I have been dealt has caused grief and inconvenience for so many people...it is just not fair to them.  I am so very sorry.  It might take the rest of my life, but I will mend what has been broken.

I really need to change the direction of this entry…

Sooo…I am sure at one point or another, you have wondered who would show up to your funeral when you died?  Am I right?  Well do this, think about who would show up to your side when you are sick.  I never thought about it before, but I can tell you now, there are a lot of caring people in our lives.  I have had so many well wishes and prayers, offers to cook or go shopping, cut our lawn, take Grace out…basically, anything they can do to help.  I even have support of people that I have never met…NO SUSHI FOR NEIL! 
I often shed a tear because I know that it is not just Misty and myself battling this demon.

Again, I will be forever in debt.

Neil

Clark, Brent, Steve...thanks for your help and support.
Dad, love ya and please don't worry too much.
Toad (Shanna)...as we typed back and forth the other day...I just cried.  I miss you.
Misty...my love.
Gracie...you are my angel.